When to Start Care

Signs your loved one may need help:
Our culture values independence.  Children move out of their parent’s home to establish their own home and parents enjoy the freedom from their children.  That lasts for a number of years. Then aging begins to take it’s toll and all of the sudden you are the meat in the sandwich – trying to take care of your own children and your parents.   Because everyone has established their independence and enjoyed it they are afraid to give it up.  Often the children and then parents both feel guilty on one side because they haven’t cared enough, and the other for feeling like a burden.   We would like to absolve the guilt for everyone by helping to ease the process. We have found through personal experience (see Joanne’s story) that there are some ways to ease parents into receiving care.  The keys are identifying when to start care, giving them control, and helping determining their needs.

WHEN TO START CARE:

Listen to and observe your parents:

EARLY WARNING SIGNS:
Start by watching for the little signs.  Are they stopping activities that they used to love because they can’t or don’t want to?  Are they eating the same things over and over?  Are they avoiding friends “because the house is not clean”

TALKING POINTS:

Ask pointed about questions why are these things happening? Is it pain? Is it fatigue? (Yes can signal they need help, they are disguises for I can’t).
Are you, the child, too busy to go help out with this care?
Are you, the child, afraid they will only let you help – not an outside person?
Start the conversation.  Tell them the service is a birthday gift for a month.

SOLUTION: Maybe a housekeeper on a weekly or bimonthly basis – just to get them used to having someone come into the home – they learn to get the help they need and be in control of it (the loss of control for seniors is often the biggest hurdle)

RED FLAGS:

Are they skipping meals?  Is the laundry piling up?  Is the house dirty?  Dishes piled in the sink? Is the healthy spouse spending all his/her time caring for the less healthy spouse and the house?

TALKING POINTS:

In this situation it is more obvious they need help.
Bring “a friend” with you for a visit and say that you’ve asked them to come help out a few times a week. (whisper to the parent that the friend needs some extra cash so they are helping them get work).
Try to make the care giver seem like an assistant, a butler, a secretary, a fellow knitter or hobbyist – an assistant that is acceptable in their world.

SOLUTION:  Have someone come in 1-2 times a week, prepare a few meals, do the dishes and laundry and tidy up the house – this allows them to stop worrying about the house and enjoy themselves or just get themselves cared for during the day – just getting dressed and ready for the day can be more of a chore than you think.

TAKE ACTION:
Are they not eating? Are there no clean clothes? Are medications not filled or taken? Are they disheveled or not bathed? Are there unexplained injuries?

TALKING POINTS:

Begin by demonstrating yourself how some help can be effective
Point out that living in this way is not a choice but that they can have a choice about who can help them.
They can choose between in-home care and moving to a facility.
Sometimes reminding them that they are paying for the care translates into “these people are working for me not helping me.”

SOLUTION:   At the very least bring in a companion every day.  Make sure your parent is groomed, dressed, and fed.  If he or she needs help with medications or bathing bring in a nurse or nursing assistant to help address the medical part of their care.
Stonehouse can provide you with the care you need for your specific situation.  We can work with you to get the best fit for your family member and make it as easy a transition as possible.